OVER AND OVER AND OVER
“The end of the race is just a temporary marker without much significance. It’s the same with our lives. Just because there’s an end doesn’t mean existence has meaning”
from What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami
five years ago, heck, even two years ago, that quote would have upset me deeply. i would have felt personally attacked and probably ranted on to some degree about how EVERYTHING IS MEANINGFUL. GO SMELL THE AIR OUTSIDE. LIFE IS INCREDIBLE.
and i still stand by that.
but these days i find observations like that one by Murakami increasingly comforting. probably it’s a couple parts constant existential dread mixed with the impending doom state of the world that have me resonating so strongly with such a statement, but hear me out.
it doesn’t negate any of my feelings about how absolutely incredible the world is. it doesn’t darken the rose tinted glasses i can’t seem to pry off my face. in fact, it somehow affirms this for me. isn’t it freeing that there might not be meaning? it signals to me, like moonlight on the water, that we can attach meaning and unattach it freely! we can guess and be wrong, infinitely, about what this (life? the internet? trash on the street?) is all about. and isn’t that lovely?
the meaning we give things might not have any meaning at all, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t still here, running along. sometimes it feels great, sometimes it’s dreadful. but we get it all just by being here, being alive.
as someone who has consistently been in varying personal crises since sixteen, an important reminder has been that a lot of what goes on for me under the surface is the fear that I will never figure out what i’m “meant” to do. it often leads to feeling a bit lost. mildly untethered from the “real world.” it doesn’t help that i don’t put much faith in our current oppressive, capitalist systems. cue the messy, scattered move abroad, am i right?
and while it’s helpful for me to remember that a lot of my heightened worries come from some sort of existential dread, what really is helpful is taking away the power of “the end.” the end of all our lives, of everything, will come. just because there’s an end doesn’t mean existence has meaning, but it also doesn’t mean the end has any significance either. it’s simply another experience like the rest. it’s going to come and go as it pleases. so we might as well enjoy the here and now as often as possible, or at least observe it with fascination and curiosity.
i know, i know, it’s nowhere near summer
but please, for a moment, entertain me.
what makes things feel more meaningful, more alive, than the onset of summer?
it’s not even spring yet, but i’ve seen daffodils, crocuses, and snowdrops erupting from the ground, and i’m currently writing this with sunbeams decorating various surfaces of my apartment. i’ve been listening to a lot of music that makes me feel all light and hopeful and dreamy. if you’re looking for something to drive around listening to while the sun streams into your car and you can almost believe the air outside is warm, here are some recommendations in no particular order:
Fruit Bats
i have a vague memory of listening to a single fruit bats track over and over on grooveshark when i was fourteen, but only recently did they become a go to of mine. not sure which one teenage me was obsessed with, but i’d say start with:
i’m a sucker for nasally vocals and reverb. with fruit bats you get all that, and often a rhythm that has me doing one of those bouncy, arms swinging, protagonist-in-a-film-on-a-good-day walks.
Andrew Bird
i’ve only dipped my toe in the andrew bird pool, but everytime i do i come across a song that i just want to put on repeat and swim around in for an entire day. the one that really started it all for me:
(added bonus: this is the only song on this record with lyrics, making it the perfect thing to listen to while working. a built in singalong break right in the middle, if you will)
The Walters
more reverb! a nod to surf rock! simple melodies and lyrics! my easy listening go to!
honestly i’ve had The Walters on in the background probably 67% of the time this past month. it might not be complex, thoughtful music, but it’s fun and makes me feel like going outside, or at least opening a window.
this is one of those songs where you’re happily swaying and singing along when you realize the lyrics aren’t half as much of a pick-me-up as the melody. but nothing feels like it matters when you’re dancing in the living room, does it?
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